I Am Changing

I find great inspiration in music. One of the most inspirational songs to have come along in a movie in a long time is "I Am Changing" from Dream Girls, sung by Jennifer Hudson. I feel like the lyrics speak for themselves. I really don't have anything else to say about them. I'm listening to the song as I write this. Here are the lyrics, let me know what you think.

Look at me

Look at me

I am changing, tryin' every way I can

I am changing,

I'll be better than I am

I'm trying-to find a way to understand

But I need you, I need you-I need a hand

I am changing, seeing everything so clear

I am changing, I'm gonna start right now, right here

I'm hoping to work it out, and I know that I can

But I need you, I need a hand

All my life I've been a fool

Who said I could do it all alone

How many good friends have I already lost

How many dark nights have I known

Walking down that wrong road, there was nothing I could find

All those years of darkness-can make a person blind

But now I can seeI am changing, tryin every way I can

I am changing, I'll be better than I am

But I need a friend-to help me start all over again,

oh-that would be just fineI know it's gonna work out this time'

Cause this time I am-This time I am

I am changing, gonna get my life together now

I am changing, yes, I know how

I'm gonna start again, I'm leaving my past behind

I'll change my life-I'll make a vow

And nothing's gonna stop me now.

Reflecting on Summer

In January I moved from my loft in downtown Elkhart to a large apartment complex on the South side of Elkhart. I fondly call it "Little Mexico" because as a white man, I am definitely the minority in this apartment complex. I don't mind it all, in fact since my favorite food is Mexican food, I love all the scents that waft up to my third floor apartment.

My apartment is small and nondescipt. The best feature of the unit is my 4x8 wooden deck on the South side of the building. As I sat out on my deck this evening watching the sun go down and enjoying the humming birds coming to my feeder, I realized that I had actually spent quite a few evenings out there sipping a glass of wine and reflecting on the day. I realized how thankful I was for that little 4x8 piece of "paradise". In that little space I created a respite from the stresses of the day by doing two of the things I enjoy most....gardening and birding. My thistle feeder brings a constant stream of bright yellow and black gold finches. My hummingbird feeder is buzzing with activity. The plants on my deck are a variety of herbs used in cooking along with red and yellow bell peppers and tomatoes. I've already been enjoying the fruit of my labors.

Tonight I realized how that little spot has added so much to my life. Simple by surrounding myself with a few things I love made all the difference in the world.

I'm happy.

Perspective comes in the tub?

I can't believe how long it has been since I posted something new on this blog! But I told myself that I didn't want my blogs to ever be a stress, but rather something I did because I wanted to. So tonight I definitely WANT to blog.

Do you ever have those times in life when you are so happy about how far you've come, how bright the future seems to be and yet in the midst of all that looking back and looking forward, you still look at the present as pretty "sucky"?! That is me right now. Being a single, gay dad of three wonderful, active teenagers who depend on you as their sole provider and support system... well...let's just say it has it's ups and downs! Once in a while it all comes crashing down on me. This has been that week. I have been irritable, angry, exhausted and discouraged. Then I feel guilty about it because I know full well how far I've come and how bright the future is. So why should I feel all that about TODAY?! Well, I just do! So tonight I realized how irritable I have been this week. I snapped at my daughter about something pretty insignificant... in the grand scheme of things. Spilled rice to be specific. How silly to snap about four cups of spilled rice?! But I did.

I was going to join my wonderful partner tonight for a late night evening of dancing and joining friends at a local club, but I decided not to. I took stock of myself. I realized how "on edge" I was. When I'm living on the edge it doesn't take a lot to push me over. So I stopped. I thought about what would be the healthiest thing for me to do. Do I enjoy a late Saturday night in a club with loud throbbing music, good friends and drink or two? Yes, I do. I admit it. But tonight I knew in my heart that it would be an "escape" from dealing with...me. If I went I would have a good time, see good friends and work up a sweat on the dance floor, but when all was said and done, I'd still have "me" to deal with. So tonight I decided that what I needed instead was some quiet time. So I ran a hot bath, lit some candles, put on a Chris Botti CD and poured myself a glass of Pino Noir and immersed myself. I decided I wasn't going to get out until I had a better perspective on things.

I'll admit I spent the first half of my time in the tub feeling sorry for myself. I focused on all the things I didn't feel good about. But as time wore on and I let myself unwind.... I began to think about other things. My children....who bring me great joy and great pain. My partner who has brought so much joy into my life. My job which is a daily outlet for inspiration and creativity for me. My apartment, which although it is small and pretty unimpressive by any one's standard, has a tub that I can soak in! (my last residence only had a shower stall)

Then when Jill Scott joined Chris Botti on the CD and sang "Good Morning Heartache" I began to think about her music and how much inspiration I find in it. "Living my life like it's golden" began to run through my head. I sat in the tub and texted my partner and thanked him for introducing me to the music of Jill Scott. by the next song I was singing along with Paula Cole as she sang an upbeat arrangement of "The Look Of Love" , which happens to be one of my all time favorite songs. As I sang along I realized that I was feeling better. I was singing! Within a few minutes I realized it was time to get out of tub... not because a timer went off, but because my perspective was changing.

How long has it been since you STOPPED long enough to really regain perspective? It had been far too long for me!

So maybe your perspective doesn't come in the tub, but wherever it does come from.... go there now!

The simple things

Over the last few days I've noticed just the slightest hint of SPRING in the air. It's subtle, but it's there. It is more the absence of the frigid air that Winter brings with it. The actual temperature is still cold, but I guess it is just more tolerable since I know Spring is right around the corner. I've also noticed the birds are being more "vocal". I have been hearing more songs. I have heard the robins are back, although I have yet to see one. Its still too early for flowers of any kind, but the stores are putting out there lawn and garden supplies. All these are good signs. I'm very anxious to get my hands in the dirt and start planting! Of course it's really too early to even be thinking about this.

Spring excites me. Probably more than any other time of year. It is a time of new beginnings. It is a time of hope and renewal. things are young and fresh. I love Spring.

I'm wondering how I can keep the "spirit of Spring" alive all year long. I think it would help my overall attitude. Last week my 16 year old daughter brought home a bouquet of yellow tulips tinged in orange. I couldn't help but notice how having those in the living room has just brightened my day. This made me realize how important simple things are in affecting one's attitude toward a day.

I'm going to make a list of simple things that make a difference in my life. Why not start doing those things on a regular basis? hmmmm

Here's are few of those things:
Fresh flowers in the house
A neat and tidy bedroom
Art
A good book by my bedside
A nicely scented candle burning in the evening
A new issue of Bon Appetite
A new CD of music (whatever my mood is)
A hug from someone I love
Dark Chocolate and a cup of espresso

Dreams vs. Reality

Doing what you love. I am not going to pretend that my life is as simple as doing what I love and making millions at it. There is an idea out there that says if you do what you love, you'll be successful and make money. Well, I suppose if you are looking at Oprah, Bill Gates or J.K. Rowling it would appear that life is as simple as that. But before you quit your job and go do something you've dreamed of, remember that those names previously mentioned were not always household names. There was a time when they weren't known. So where is the balance in all of this? Always be working TOWARD your dreams. Even if you "job" isn't what you dream of, be immersing yourself in everything you can that does contribute to your dream. I don't claim to be living out my dreams entirely, but I am constantly working towards it. I make it a point to know the right people and be involved in the right things.

Take stock of your life. If you aren't living out your dream.... what are you waiting for? It is NOT going to just pop in front of you one day like a lucky lottery ticket found on the sidewalk. You may have to do things that are less than desirable right now, but what ARE you doing that is contributing to your dreams? Who do you know? What are you good at? How are you using your gifts and talents? How do people know what your dreams are? Do others know what you are good at? How do you exhibit yourself?

hmmmm..... lots to think about!

It Won't Rain Always

Winter is dragging on here in Indiana. I must say that the older I get the less I enjoy it. I'm trying to stay positive despite the continual cycle of snow, extreme cold, rain and then it begins all over again. This year I think God decided to refresh our memories as to what a traditional Indiana Winter is really supposed to look like. We have been spoiled. The last several Winters have been very mild....VERY mild. But this one is here, and here to stay! Well, it won't stay. It will go away. Which makes me think of a southern Gospel song I heard years ago.

IT WON'T RAIN ALWAYS
Bill & Gloria Gaither, Aaron Wilburn

Someone said that in each life some rain is bound to fall
And each one sheds his share of tears
And trouble troubles us all
But the hurt can't hurt forever
And the tears are sure to dry

And it won't rain always
The clouds will soon be gone
The sun that they've been hiding has been there all along
And it won't rain alwaysGod's promises are true
The sun's gonna shine in His own good time
And He will see you through

Moving day

Last weekend was moving day for me. Thank God for friends and my three teens who helped me. I have made an effort to not be a packrack over the years. I really don't have that much "stuff", but it is amazing how it seems to multiply when you start packing.

There was a time in my life when I lived in clutter. I have learned that clutter is a huge weight on me. I don't function well in clutter. It is like a weight tied to me. Having said that I am a romantic at heart and have a sentimental side to me. It is easy to attach value to things. Once something has sentimental value to it, it becomes very hard to part with it. So how do I balance that?

To me it is all about PERSPECTIVE.
I try to ask myself some simple questions.
Is this truly irreplaceable?
10 years for now will I really care whether I own this or not?
Will my children want this passed down to them later on?
Is it adding to my quality of life or is it just "stuff"?
Can I live happily without it?

I truly believe there is very little that I can't live without. Life is complicated enough, I prefer to simplify. There is a better way.