Perspective comes in the tub?

I can't believe how long it has been since I posted something new on this blog! But I told myself that I didn't want my blogs to ever be a stress, but rather something I did because I wanted to. So tonight I definitely WANT to blog.

Do you ever have those times in life when you are so happy about how far you've come, how bright the future seems to be and yet in the midst of all that looking back and looking forward, you still look at the present as pretty "sucky"?! That is me right now. Being a single, gay dad of three wonderful, active teenagers who depend on you as their sole provider and support system... well...let's just say it has it's ups and downs! Once in a while it all comes crashing down on me. This has been that week. I have been irritable, angry, exhausted and discouraged. Then I feel guilty about it because I know full well how far I've come and how bright the future is. So why should I feel all that about TODAY?! Well, I just do! So tonight I realized how irritable I have been this week. I snapped at my daughter about something pretty insignificant... in the grand scheme of things. Spilled rice to be specific. How silly to snap about four cups of spilled rice?! But I did.

I was going to join my wonderful partner tonight for a late night evening of dancing and joining friends at a local club, but I decided not to. I took stock of myself. I realized how "on edge" I was. When I'm living on the edge it doesn't take a lot to push me over. So I stopped. I thought about what would be the healthiest thing for me to do. Do I enjoy a late Saturday night in a club with loud throbbing music, good friends and drink or two? Yes, I do. I admit it. But tonight I knew in my heart that it would be an "escape" from dealing with...me. If I went I would have a good time, see good friends and work up a sweat on the dance floor, but when all was said and done, I'd still have "me" to deal with. So tonight I decided that what I needed instead was some quiet time. So I ran a hot bath, lit some candles, put on a Chris Botti CD and poured myself a glass of Pino Noir and immersed myself. I decided I wasn't going to get out until I had a better perspective on things.

I'll admit I spent the first half of my time in the tub feeling sorry for myself. I focused on all the things I didn't feel good about. But as time wore on and I let myself unwind.... I began to think about other things. My children....who bring me great joy and great pain. My partner who has brought so much joy into my life. My job which is a daily outlet for inspiration and creativity for me. My apartment, which although it is small and pretty unimpressive by any one's standard, has a tub that I can soak in! (my last residence only had a shower stall)

Then when Jill Scott joined Chris Botti on the CD and sang "Good Morning Heartache" I began to think about her music and how much inspiration I find in it. "Living my life like it's golden" began to run through my head. I sat in the tub and texted my partner and thanked him for introducing me to the music of Jill Scott. by the next song I was singing along with Paula Cole as she sang an upbeat arrangement of "The Look Of Love" , which happens to be one of my all time favorite songs. As I sang along I realized that I was feeling better. I was singing! Within a few minutes I realized it was time to get out of tub... not because a timer went off, but because my perspective was changing.

How long has it been since you STOPPED long enough to really regain perspective? It had been far too long for me!

So maybe your perspective doesn't come in the tub, but wherever it does come from.... go there now!